Red-Hot Catholic Love

Episode 608 - Red-Hot Catholic Love

(Reloaded)

The Kids Are At Church While Randy Is Playing In His Head The Parents Start To Worry

Thinking Father Maxi Is An Complete Pervert So They Take The Boy's To See Someone About It..To See If They Can Get Anything Out Of It. 

[Park County Community Center, next day. The boys are chattering when a woman comes in and stands before them.] Counselor: Hi boys. My name is Ms. Gorache and I need to ask you a few questions about your priest, okaaay? Boys: Okay. Counselor: Okay. Would you say that Father Maxi is... nice? Or mean? Boys: [separately] Nice. Stan: Um, cool. Counselor: Okaaay, what words would you use to describe your priest? [long pause] Butters: Compassionate. Counselor: Okay. And did Father Maxi, at any time, ever try to put something in your butt? [long pause] Cartman: Ih... in our... butt? Counselor: You don't need to be ashamed or embarrassed. Just, did he ever try to put anything in your butt? Stan: ...Like ...money? What? Butters: You mean, like a goldfish? Counselor: No, no. Did he ever try to put anything that belonged to him in your butt? Boys: [in unison] No. [The Community Center, hallway. The parents wait for the counselor to finish talking with the boys] Thomas: This is ridiculous, havin' to sit out here waitin' to find out if our priest molested our kids. Man: Yeah, what has Catholicism come to anyway? Randy: [rising. The others on his bench rise with him] You know, I think we've just had it with the Church. All the horrible things they've done to kids, I... I think I'm gonna become an atheist! Richard: That's a good idea. I'm gonna be an atheist too. Linda: Let's all be atheists! All: Yeah, yeah, alright. Man: If there was a god, why would he let our kids be molested in the first place? Stephen: Yeah, let's kill God, yeah! Randy: Well uh, let's, let's just be atheists. Stephen: [thinks a bit, then looks at Randy] ...Same thing. Randy: Yeah! [all clamor and charge out of the center] WHILE STAN, CARTMAN AND TWEEK FIGURE WHAT FATHER MAXI WOULD PUT UP THEIR BUTTS, CARTMAN THINK'S THAT PUTTING FOOD UP YOUR ASS, YOU COULD CRAP OUT YOUR MOUTH, CRAIG & CLYDE BUMPS INTO MARNIE & HINDI. Marnie: [bumps into Craig & Clyde they looked confused] Hey guys...w-whats up, you guy's umm okay?  Clyde: Yeah....fine..we just don't get what father Maxi means when he says has he ever put anything up our butts.  Craig: [Craig just glares at Clyde, then looks back at Marnie and smirks] It was weird.  Marnie: What the hell....that is just odd...I don't get church at all..do you guy's always talk about that? I-I thought it was about some hippie dude called Jesus.  Craig: [Craig just grins at her] thats funny Clyde Normally we do....but our parents just said us to this class to talk about what we put up our buttholes.  Hindi: ewww...you guys are disgusting i'm leaving [Hindi walks off]  Clyde: can you help me [Craig glares at clyde] I..I mean us [Clyde look's at Craig while saying it]  Marnie: [she gives Craig loving eyes while Clyde doesn't notice] sure...but how the hell am I gonna up..i'm an atheist.  Clyde: [Clyde gets a text from his dad] well....so am I according to my parents [he says as he reads his phone] Marnie: [She smiles] finally.  South Park Elementary School, boys' bathroom, day. A group of fourth-grade boys gather around a toilet as Cartman stands before it trying to crap into it... with his mouth.] Kyle: Well, Cartman? Cartman: [turns to look at Kyle] Hold on! [turns back to the task at hand] God, let a man crap! Craig: [entering] What's going on? Stan: Cartman shoved food up his ass and now he's tryin' to crap out his mouth. Craig: Oh. [leaves] Kyle: Well, go on, smartass, and do it! Cartman: I'm doin' it already!! God, give me a minute! Stan: You've had five, dude! Cartman: [looking at the boys] I can't-, I can't do it with you guys watching. Turn around. Kyle: No! Because you'll just crap out your butt and then say it came out of your mouth! Cartman: Ugh! Do you really think I'd be that deceitful, you guys?! [the other boys fix their gaze at him] Ugh, goddammit you guys, this is so seriously. [tries again. A few spasms later and a big log of crap comes out his mouth and into the toilet. All the boys are stunned, even Cartman.] Kyle: Get the fuck out of here! Cartman: [excited] Yes!! Yes, I DID IT!! I crapped out my mouth! [starts chanting] I crapped out my mo-outh![walks over to Kyle] You owe me twenty bucks, dickface! LATER ON, AFTER CRAPPING OUT THE MOUTH, CLYDE & MARNIE ARE HANGING OUT AT HER HOUSE WATCHING TV. TV:  [Terrence & Phillip is on] I think I have to fart...oh wait...no...oh wait *farts* Clyde: [he laughs] anyways yeah so we all watched Cartman crap out his mouth at lunch today Marnie: [watches TV]  yeah...I heard he did....thats disgusting  Clyde: [looks back at the TV] I Think he only did it too just to get paid by Kyle Marnie: his so immature News Anchor: Coming Live At You  Marnie: What's This? News Anchor: [the News 4 set is shown] Our top story tonight, the age-old question has been answered: if I put food up my ass, will I crap out my mouth? All over the country, people are discovering that, yes, in fact, you will. [a new picture pops up] The surgeon-general had this to say: Surgeon-General: And the uh immediate research shows that the act is not only amusing, but in fact much healthier for out bodies than the old way of eating. [stands next to a cut-away graphic of the human torso]You see, food entering through the anus has the benefit of being broken down on its way to the stomach rather than afterward. And therefore I believe that interorectogestion would actually put a stop to high cholesterol and most kinds of stomach cancers. And I base that on absolutely nothing. News Anchor: The Surgeon-General's response has made Americans change their eating habits almost instantly. Clyde: Now everyone is doing in?  Marnie: [she looks grossed out] I ain't eating like that....fuck that shit.  News Anchor: The Mayor of South Park has announced that for first discovering this healthy way of eating, young citizen [Cartman's picture appears] Eric Cartman will be given... a freaking medal. Marnie: Oh god!  THE NEXT DAY AT STAN'S HOUSE Cartman: [rushes up] You guys, you guys! [drags a small inflatable wading pool behind him] I took Kyle's twenty dollars down to the bank again, and I got it changed into quarters! Kyle: [irritated] So? Cartman: So now I can dump them into this little pool and swim in them all day long! [picks up the bag of quarters and prepares to pour them in] Yeessss. Kyle's monneey. [the quarters start pouring in, and Cartman gloats] Kyle: [approaches Cartman and tries a different tack] Cartman, there's something I need to tell you. Cartman: O-hoo, what's that, Kyle? Kyle: You were totally, one hundred percent right. Cartman: Heh... [the smile vanishes] what? Kyle: You won the bet. You were totally accurate about being able to crap out your mouth, and I've just been frustrated because I didn't think of it first. I want you to enjoy that money because... you really impressed me with your insight and... I'm... proud to have you as a friend. Cartman: [taking time to figure out what that means...] You sonofabitch, Kyle!! I hate you!! [kicks the pool and it deflates. He walks away angry. Stan and Kyle grin at each other - they planned this change in tactics. The parents arrive cheering and hollering] A man: Yeah, the pope is gone! Randy: Great news, Stan! The Vatican is burning down! Linda: Score one for us atheists Richard: Come on, Tweek! We're gonna watch it on TV!  LATER Randy:  Sharon. We don't have to believe every word of the Bible. They're just stories to help us to live by. We shouldn't toss away the lessons of the Bible just because some assholes in Italy screwed it up. Sharon: O Randy, I don't wanna put food up my butt anymore. Randy: Gang, I think maybe we, owe God an apology. Stan: Does this mean we have to go to church on Sundays again? Randy: No. It means we get to, son. It means... we get to. [all of a sudden, one more piece of crap comes out his mouth] NEXT ONE WILL BE BASED ON BEBE BOOBS!